Thursday, October 30, 2008

Now and Then...

Lives change so much over a span a few years. Sometimes the changes go unnoticed for a time, but eventually you begin to recognize those changes. Some are positive and some are more on the negative side (at least you think they are) but in truth I feel most, if not all changes, have a positive result in which you as a person "grew." It is your basic principle of Cause and Effect.



Now a lot of people have a hard time seeing these changes as positive or may even "mourn" the loss of their old life, but in reality (if they REALLY look close at themselves) they are probably a more wise and balanced person because of them. Especially, because if the worst times in their lives. I know I am, and could name at least 15 other people that I see as stronger, wiser, and more passionate about their lives, even after some of the most cruel situations they had to endure and overcome.



I know that my life has been a roller coaster of ups and downs....(sorry about the cliche) There were times I actually thought that I could not take anymore. I felt I had nothing left to give and I had no where to turn. I was beaten. I wanted to do nothing more than cry every tear I could muster and just hate the world. Fortunately, it is at those moments, where you find the pinnacle of your strength and the strength of your friends and family. It is at those times where they are seen for their true selves. Sigh...I have wonderful people in my life. They never gave up on me, or doubted my ability to overcome. They reminded me of what I was made of and inspired me to fight. I thank them all for that. I will never be able to repay them (in my opinion) If you ask them about it, they would probably saw "it was nothing" or "I only did what anyone would do." They do not give themselves enough credit lol



An example of cause and effect: This is a recap of the most stressful events that had an physical and emotional impact on my life in last five years (negative first)



CAUSE: Was pregnant with twins, had a horrible pregnancy (many complications), I gave birth to twins, they were premature and spent 19 days in the NICU, within a month their birth my husband lost his job. I had already quit mine. He got another job as quickly as possible, but it was low paying. We went through a time were we couldn't even afford groceries. We went into MAJOR debt. Money was a big probem most of the time between hospital bills and so forth.



Adam lost his job about a year later...again starting all over with the money problems. Everything we had saved up, was gone again...back to the drawing board we go... Then of course we were on the "rebuilding stage" of our life. Up...down...up...down...emotions were getting the best of us and we were fighting alot. Then my sister got a divorce and she and Josie moved in with us. This was a stressful time, but I have to say it was negative AND positive. We had 6 people living under the same roof, with all of us having our own problems to deal with. But I have to say it was more fun then headache most of the time. She moved out, then it was just us again. A while later, my mother, cousin, and myself were held up at gun point in front of my home....had nightmares for months over that incident. We finally caught a break and was invited to move into a new home. Love you Cush!



Here we tried to start our life all over...forgetting our past problems, but they followed us to Derby. Adam was suffering in his new job...hated it SO much. He tore his maniscus in his knee and told his job that we needed time off to have the surgery and recovery time, they told him that was not likely. About two days after that, I found out I was pregnant again. Two weeks after his request for time off, he got fired for "being unorganized." (seriously, that it what the paper said) We tried to fight it, but we failed. Adam goes into a depression. He find another job at Cessna Woohooo!!! but the insurance will not take into effest for awhile. SO...I am five months pregnant before I get to see a doctor. Talk about stress!! For those of you that have been pregnant, you can probably understand. Oh yeah, during that fives months, we find out that both of our sons are Autisic. Let's just say I cried all the time because of hormones :-) Once again, I feel lost and the world seems soooo heavy. THEN, a few weeks before my delivery, Adam's stumbles upon a DUI. MORE MONEY!! MORE FIGHTS!! MORE HEARTACHE!! Sigh...



{Enters Positive Side stage left}



EFFECT: Throughout this entire ordeal, this is what came from the so-called negative changes in my life.

1. I was scared to get pregnant, but in my heart wanted to be a mommy. So life changed it for me. So, Now I am a mommy of three WONDEFUL children who have completed my life.

2. Adam hated his job and was scared to change. He felt he could not do better than what he was doing. So life changed it for him, drastically. Now he works at Cessna and loves his job. It has changed his attitutde towrds life and gave him the feeling of truly supporting his family and being a great husband and father.

3. Throughout the pregnancy with the boys I believe the hardships I went through were to get me toughened up for my motherhood. Raising twins boys is hard enough, throw in Autism and it is the most difficult obstacle I have ever had to overcome and adapt to.

4. Adam and I were very frivolous with our money...we learned the value of our money and have been making changes in order to become more responsible with finances. It has beena slow journey and we fail a lot, but we just pick ourselves back up and try again.

5. I have a tighter bond and more love for my family. I have never been closer to all members of my family and found that my sister is the best friend anyone could ever ask for....who would have thought? You would have never guessed that if you knew us in High School.

6. I learned many life lessons about myself and the people around me, giving more respect for them everyday. Some people/friends/family are in your life, but it is in times like these you realize who is REALLY there for you and who cares. These true friends will most likey be in your life to you final days. Love you Cush.

7. I re-evaluated my priorities in life. I think I have them right now :-)

8. I found out I am much stronger than I give myself credit for.

9. Adam realized he has much more to offer and he is proud of himself now.

10. I have found out that it is ok to ask for help. If you think it makes you weak, so be it. I have no problem admiting that in this particular time in my life I was weak and needed to draw on the stregnth of people around me. It doesn't mean I am weak as a whole...just means I was weak in the moment. I do what I must.

11. People like to help you. For most of us, it is a way to "pay back" the kindness that was show to us in a troubled time we had in our life. A "Pay it forward" type of thing. I can't wait for the time when I can pay back the kindness that was shown to me.

12. Autism isn't a tragedy or the end of a happy life, it is just a different life with different rules. It is an adventure and with it comes unforeseen problems, laughs, happiness, and LOVE. Plus other values in life that I took for granted. It forces you to experiment with all types of communications and I learned how to "read" people even better than I used to. They are getting better everyday! It is exciting! A few months ago my son told me he loved me first the first time...ever. I had never heard him say it and he is almost five. I cried. :-) Can you imgaine never hearing your child say I love you?

13. Having children really does teach you unconditional love.

14. I got a hard lesson in Don't Sweat the Small Things....but it was worth it. Others my not understand my lax attitude towards things others would flip out over, but I am not worried about it. If it works for my family and myself, then Whoopeee!

15. Finally, I have found that the one thing I felt I could not handle no matter what (my little girl) was a Godsend and has given me more happiness and hope that I ever thought was possible in the situation. She is my constant reminder that, no matter how bad you think things are...they could be the best thing that ever happened to you.

I have to say in all honesty I wouldn't change anything about my life. Of course I have my own dreams that have been put on hold, and it was not easy by any means to continue fighting each day, but my children, family, husband, and myself are things worth fighting for 'til my last breath. It has been hard to "look on the bright side" when life seems so destroyed and impossible, but it is there.....sometimes it just takes awhile for the light to shine through all that darkness you see before you.

"Any fact facing us is not as important as our attitude toward it, for that determines our success or failure." Norman Vincent Peale

4 comments:

Kendra said...

I have no idea physically, mentally and emotionally you have been through but I do understand that your family is worth fighting for! yay for you for being such a strong person. And PS, when we were pregnant we were going to eat chicken and dumplings but that didn't happen...so maybe that should sometime soon!

Super Mom said...

Our mama raised some strong women and we can take on anything! Funny how everything is going fine, then life throws you a curve ball and WHAM! Everything is messed up and we don't know HOW we are going to make it through... then after enough time, we realize the worst is past, and we are, in fact, still here.

You can handle anything, it's in your blood. Love you. :)

Amber said...

I love you so much and I am so glad that things are slowly turning your way. I am in complete understanding of having life teach you those hard lessons. But it is sooo true that in those situations you can learn about how really blessed you are.

Anonymous said...

It's Cush, I just wanted to say that I love you too! Sometime friendships are easy, and our is! I'm blessed to have you in my life. I will never fully comprehend what you go through on a daily basis, but you are without a doubt one amazing woman!