It's Time To Rise....

So.... I do not know about you.....but I have been in a funk for about the last three months. I have spurts of energy that usually do not last long. Sometimes I have a great day and then by the next I am feeling "funky" again. Sigh. I have lost interest in many things that I used to enjoy very much. I also have a really hard time committing my time to more than one fun activity. For instance, if I am reading a good book (which I have been reading A LOT lately) I do not watch my movies, play my games, blog, or email. I stay with the reading until I have had my fill, then I go to my next activity I feel like doing...Hence the reason for my absence on my blog.

SIGH..... I have had no energy, no drive, feet guilty about my kids all the time.....and so on.... At night after my kids go to bed I try and do the "fun things," but I have been just too tired...though I can't sleep. I am so restless at night and I never end up sleeping until about 2am. I know this sounds a lot like depression, but I do not think it is. Well, maybe a little bit... I think I will chuck it up to worry and the feel of losing control over my life. (I am kind of a control freak) It is really starting to mess with me lol. So many things in my life are being turned upside down or they are at a stand-still. Despite my hard work and effort, I just feel like I am going nowhere fast! As I lie awake at night I wonder:

What do I need to do tomorrow?

Did I get everything done today?

Does anybody else work this hard?

Am I a good parent?

What else can I do to make my children's life better?

Do my kids love me?

How are we going to get through this?

Is he going to be able to get another job?

What are going to do about medical?

Did I pay this bill?

Did I lock the doors?

Does he still love me for who I am?

Does anyone care?

Does this really matter?

So what?!

Why do I have to make all the decisions?

What should I do next?

Am I turning into a basket case?

Why can't I go to SLEEP!??

Do I need another drink?

Am I happy?..........................

These and MANY more unanswered questions entered my mind......now for those who know me.....I DO NOT have a low self esteem...I love my husband....I love children...I love myself (hee hee...very true.) I very rarely second guess myself, let alone my life. But ALL of us get in a "Funk."

I can remember when it all started too. Since then there have been a series of events that just multiplying enough to keep me down. Mine started off as a pregnancy scare....which to tell you the truth, I probably wouldn't minded having another child, but the time is not right and it seems mine are destined for some kind of developmental delay of some kind..../cry......alot. Then of course I kept getting sick..... then my daughter was accepted for a school to be apart of a class for the developmentally delayed....(which was great, but at the same time very heart-breaking.....) Then of course my husband got his "notice" at work and will be laid off in Mar.....and it just kinda snowballs from there....blah blah blah...feel sorry for me pfffftt.

I am just sick of how things are going and decided to do something about it. It is time to rise above my problems and cut this shit out! I need to gain the feeling of control over my life again. Here is my plan of attack...(if anyone else is in a funk, please feel free to try it with me) :-)

1. I wrote out a list of everything I felt like I needed to do sometime in the near future. I put EVERYTHING on this list that I ever though about doing around the house, in the yard, for the kids, etc. I even put very simple things that are REALLY easy to do, but I just NEVER have the time to do it. Now this list I kept to chores and such. Example: 1) Fix Doorbell 2) Get Hair cut 3) Clean out closet 4) Gather up all pictures around the house.....

2. Now that I have my huge list (5 pages long) I decide to try and do ONE thing of that list every day. I told myself it was just a reminder of everything I need to do...no pressure. But when you do it, MARK IT OFF...it feels so good to do so.

3. NOW...make a list of fun things you like to do. Make sure to list things that are fun and simple you can do around your house or outside AND THEN add a few things that are fun that will get you out of the house. Do 1 of those everyday. That way you make time for something fun for yourself. If the timing permits it...leave the house for a fun activity.

4. Today I went to the doctor to talk with them about my increased number of migraines in the last couple months. I also went ahead and threw in my "Women Appointment" too. They told me I was extremely stressed and prescribed me some pills that will help me in my extremely stressful situations. I hope they work. Whenever I get REALLY stressed out I take on of them and just keep going on about my day. Sounds good in theory right? Well, I hope that is they way it works.

5. I have also joined a "Cause." I am helping to try and get a important bill passed here in Kansas that will effect my children's progress in our fight with Autism. It is the House Bill 2094/SB 207. I will not go into all the details about it since most of you do not even live here in this state, but it would open SO MANY doors for my children and give them so many opportunities that have been just dangling in front of them for years. We have been at a frustrating roadblock with these programs and we feel (at home) we have done everything we can at this point...now it is time for these other programs and we can't, because my boys are on waiting lists...6 of them I think. :-( Anyway, it makes me feel like I am actually doing something for my kids again and helping spread awareness to those who need it. (Which is A LOT most people do not know shit about Autism) If you are in Kansas please look at this site Invisiblekansans.com

If you do not have something like that to get behind...try and volunteer or donate just a LITTLE bit. It will make you feel good about yourself. It is always nice to help others.

P.S....in April I have to warn you I will be on my Soap-box spreading the good word about Autism :-)

6. My last thing I am trying at the moment is every night after the kids go to bed, I stretch. It feels wonderful and you can almost feel the tension just flowing out of your body. Eventually, I hope that this will turn into my exercise time, but for now I am satisfied with stretching. you have to start somewhere right?

So anyway, that is my plan for now. It has been a good start for me and I hope I will continue to keep my drive and maybe bounce back to my old self. Of course I am going to try blog more when I can. BTW, I have not read all of my last comments. I will read those and hopefully make my rounds to everyones' blog this evening to say hello and catch up on all your lives as well. I missed you guys and I hope you are all doing well.

If you have any suggestions that you think my help me in my fight please feel free to post, I would love to hear them!

Still Alive...

Hi fellow bloggers! I miss you! Boy it just seems that my whole life and schedule has been out of whack since the Christmas vacation. The new year started off in full throttle and little ol' me is having problems getting things together. One aspect of my life that is suffering tremendously is my Blogging Time on BOTH of my blogs. /sad face /pouting lips

For my lovely followers, I apologize that I have not been posting as much and I am trying really hard to get my life/time under control again, so I am able to sit down and enjoy all the wonderful blogs I follow. I am so behind....I have no idea what is going on your life at this moment. I hope you are all doing well.

But....such is my life lol READ: Title of Blog. There is a reason I titled my blog the way I did... LOL

Anyhoo... quick summary:

1. My boys started a whole new school schedule starting Jan 5, their schedule has been totally flipped upside down and backwards...one of them is going the full day! YEA! (Huge accomplishment) He goes to two different schools during the day, but he is having a ball. Unfortunately with Autism, schedules are a HUGE deal, so "acting-out" has been a problem. Stress, whether they are positive or negative stressors, are extremely hard to work through for about 2 months. And in response to stress, the way they communicate their uneasiness for the situation is through physical and emotional outbursts. (remember they can't speak) In this case...destruction. Sigh...I just can't seem to keep my house in one piece. Lots of eating the corners of the walls, diapers, wood furniture, toys, ripping out stuffing of cushions, fighting, biting, throwing items down the stairs, at the list goes on and on.... I spend a LOT of my time just cleaning this shit up.

2. My daughter Kiera stared school too! She is two and boy is it hard letting her out of my sight. On her second day her arm was hurt. We had to take her to the emergency room and were told she had "Nurse Maid's Elbow." This is caused by yanking on her arm very hard. So of course I was like ???????....come to find out it was done at school and there is now an investigation proceeding through SRS. The school came to me telling me about the incident and have made the proper actions to "make it right." The person is suspended without pay pending the investigation and will be terminated. TALK ABOUT MOMMY STRESS! First I am trying to deal with all those emotions from letting her go to school and now this!

3. Through out Christmas and the month of Jan my husband and I were continuously nervous about the possibility of him getting laid-off from his job. (We have only one income coming in) So it will be very rough. Well, the news was giving to him at the end of Jan that he is indeed getting laid-off. His last day will be in March. SO....lord help me! Now we are going through all of our possibilities trying to formulate the best plan of attack.

4. My husband and I decided that it was time for him to make an appointment with the doctor to have a vasectomy. Sigh...kinda emotional. We sat down and really discussed whether or not we wanted to have anymore children. Making this decision was not as easy as you might think. But, I had a pregnacy scare in Jan and that kinda helped make me see things a little clearer. Snip, Snip....here we come.

Those are basically the highlights of what I have been battleing through since the beginning of Jan. It has dragged me down into a funk of emotional anguish and just plain lack of motivation. I feel icky all the time lately, but I am trying really hard to pull out of this spiral of chaos. I mean I love my job as a mommy, and I need to find my way out of this or else what good am I to them right? Also, there are other families out there that have it worse than we do. I just try and remind myself there are other people who have worse jobs and lives then I do. If they can do it...so can I!

Well, toodles!!